Near the end of the scene with correction 14. Missing quatation marks also the dialog seems odd for me a bit.
Around:
But at last, it's over. You roll aside and let Olivia scramble out of the bard-shaped depression in the mattress: maybe if you press her into it enough, it'll stick, heh. It takes her a few tries, but eventually she manages it by clinging onto you and tumbling into the sheets with a sigh.
"Well, Dearest. That was...". Now... - missing italics and that Now is also a bit odd but maybe connection to other sentence? or something is missing here?
"Don't leave me just yet, okay?" Olivia murmurs. "That's... that's rude, Dearest. A little longer, that's all I ask." - This part seems a bit odd or maybe there is something missing before?
Around:
But at last, it's over. You roll aside and let Olivia scramble out of the bard-shaped depression in the mattress: maybe if you press her into it enough, it'll stick, heh. It takes her a few tries, but eventually she manages it by clinging onto you and tumbling into the sheets with a sigh.
"Well, Dearest. That was...". Now... - missing italics and that Now is also a bit odd but maybe connection to other sentence? or something is missing here?
"Don't leave me just yet, okay?" Olivia murmurs. "That's... that's rude, Dearest. A little longer, that's all I ask." - This part seems a bit odd or maybe there is something missing before?