1)
Missing capitalization
2)
'notices' -> 'notice'
an extraneous comma
3)
'cots' -> 'cot'
4)
'one' -> 'on'
5)
'begin' ->'begins'
6)
missing a period after 'pleasure'
7)
extraneous period after 'cries'
8)
'your' -> 'hers'
noticeable echoing of 'still', consider nixing the first one
9)
'to' -> 'too'
the comma before 'all' should be a semicolon
10)
Noticeable echoing of 'again', consider nixing the second one
11)
'being' -> 'to stay'
missing capitalization
Sighing, he continues his explanation, "but I know she's planning something, something to do with the villages around her tower, and I don't like the thought of that at all."
Missing capitalization
2)
"Look at this!" Berwyn exclaims, taking notices of a large, alchemical set up.
an extraneous comma
3)
Speaking of, it's pretty easy to tell which bed belongs to the lady of the tower, with it being much bigger than what looks to be Berwyn's tiny cots.
4)
With the femboy's approval, you pocket his panties and get ready to move one.
5)
Another group of the dark appendages even begin using your tits as another outlet for their pleasure.
6)
You can barely look around, but can still make out your companions getting a treatment similar to yours, with their various orifices filled by the Mistress's tentacles until they're crying out with pleasure
7)
Convulsing and tightening, your asshole holds the tentacle inside it almost in place as you let out muffled, pleasured cries. .
8)
Your whole body relaxes as her lips meet yours, letting her tongue into your mouth as your juicy lips dance with your, her dark tendrils still holding your body still and fucking your pussy and ass alike along with your fluid-filled breasts.
noticeable echoing of 'still', consider nixing the first one
9)
Before to long, she pulls back, and is staring into your eyes, all you can do is look back at her dumbly, feeling the need to have her lips pressed to yours again.
the comma before 'all' should be a semicolon
10)
Then, once again, you find one of her tentacles working its way down your throat again, but now you find yourself eagerly suckling on the shadowy tendril.
11)
As you hand there in the air, held aloft by a mass of tentacles as you're fucked by even more of them, you start to think it wouldn't be so bad being like this for a while, in the Mistress' care... maybe you could even stay here forever.
'being' -> 'to stay'
missing capitalization
