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<blockquote data-quote="CrackSpaniel" data-source="post: 347017" data-attributes="member: 37273">(Painted Demon)&quot;bend in the path, and standing there is a woman, directly on the same path as you.&quot;I suggest &quot;bend in the path, and there is a woman standing directly in your way.&quot;&quot;and her skin is painted with long, thick, numerous black lines covering her otherwise fair complexion&quot;I think it reads better as 'with numerous long, thick, black lines'&quot;Her tail unravels enough that it has enough slack to stand up behind herself&quot;behind herself -&gt; behind her&quot;It takes you a moment to tear your eyes away from her form for you to look behind yourself so you can point the way to the nearest safe zone.&quot;I suggest 'her form so you can look behind you to point the way to the nearest safe zone.'&quot;the demon girl trio falls to her rump, knocked backwards from the hit and pushed off her stance. The momentum carries her backward, and she falls onto her back before she has a chance to right herself.&quot;This line comes across as saying the same thing over and over a few different ways. Sound pretty awkward, anyway.</blockquote>

[QUOTE="CrackSpaniel, post: 347017, member: 37273"] (Painted Demon) "bend in the path, and standing there is a woman, directly on the same path as you." I suggest "bend in the path, and there is a woman standing directly in your way." "and her skin is painted with long, thick, numerous black lines covering her otherwise fair complexion" I think it reads better as 'with numerous long, thick, black lines' "Her tail unravels enough that it has enough slack to stand up behind herself" behind herself -> behind her "It takes you a moment to tear your eyes away from her form for you to look behind yourself so you can point the way to the nearest safe zone." I suggest 'her form so you can look behind you to point the way to the nearest safe zone.' "the demon girl trio falls to her rump, knocked backwards from the hit and pushed off her stance. The momentum carries her backward, and she falls onto her back before she has a chance to right herself." This line comes across as saying the same thing over and over a few different ways. Sound pretty awkward, anyway. [/QUOTE]

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