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<blockquote data-quote="CrackSpaniel" data-source="post: 347410" data-attributes="member: 37273">(Honey Golem)before the honey all around the key wobbles and erupts~In the rest of the scene, the PC is trying to get &quot;the whip floating on top of the rippling honey-bath&quot;dark-gold eyes start forming on from the momentarily-blank faceforming on from -&gt; forming from(Hornet Hive)This small chamber branches east off central halleast off -&gt; east from the(Jyrranaz)streaks of dark purple in places: her overfull breasts seep with a deep purple juice, and two thin lines of them go from her eyes to either side of her lower jaw.~&quot;two thin lines of them&quot;: this would either be 'two thin lines' of &quot;streaks of dark purple&quot; or &quot;deep purple juice&quot;. Either way, it should be 'two thin lines of it'.~You can also simplify &quot;lower jaw&quot; to 'jaw'; I don't think it makes it any clearer where the lines end.stepping toward you with the grace of an actress on a walkwayactress on a walkway -&gt; model on a runway</blockquote>

[QUOTE="CrackSpaniel, post: 347410, member: 37273"] (Honey Golem) before the honey all around the key wobbles and erupts ~In the rest of the scene, the PC is trying to get "the whip floating on top of the rippling honey-bath" dark-gold eyes start forming on from the momentarily-blank face forming on from -> forming from (Hornet Hive) This small chamber branches east off central hall east off -> east from the (Jyrranaz) streaks of dark purple in places: her overfull breasts seep with a deep purple juice, and two thin lines of them go from her eyes to either side of her lower jaw. ~"two thin lines of them": this would either be 'two thin lines' of "streaks of dark purple" or "deep purple juice". Either way, it should be 'two thin lines of it'. ~You can also simplify "lower jaw" to 'jaw'; I don't think it makes it any clearer where the lines end. stepping toward you with the grace of an actress on a walkway actress on a walkway -> model on a runway [/QUOTE]

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