[Feedback Requested] Rroljar Facefuck Scene

[Jaxx]

Heya! I've always wanted to try my hand at writing a scene for the game, so I figured I'd give it a shot.

This here's my first attempt, a quick scene for Rroljar in the Kervus Warcamp post-Right of Conquest where he fucks the PC's mouth. It's not submitted as of 3/8/24 because I want a few more pairs of eyes on it before putting it through.

Here's the doc! Let me know what you think.

 

[Ace Hangman]

I read through it. Very good grammar. The use of color for the parsers really helped parse them out and differentiate them. I am sure that will be appreciated. Very few typos. I am not an audience for this scene (unless I put myself in Rroljar's position), but it definitely suited his personality and what we know about him sex-wise.
Other than that, I thought dialogue was italicized instead of bolded, but that's not really an issue. Let the coder worry about it, it didn't affect my ability to read it. A very solid scene.

 

[Jaxx]

I read through it. Very good grammar. The use of color for the parsers really helped parse them out and differentiate them. I am sure that will be appreciated. Very few typos. I am not an audience for this scene (unless I put myself in Rroljar's position), but it definitely suited his personality and what we know about him sex-wise.
Other than that, I thought dialogue was italicized instead of bolded, but that's not really an issue. Let the coder worry about it, it didn't affect my ability to read it. A very solid scene.

Thank you so much for all the feedback, it was really helpful! I doubly appreciate that you looked it over and gave me some ideas to work with despite this type of scene not being your bag. You're my hero. ♡

 

[teawolf]

(teawolf on the Gdoc!) This is great, and actually right up my alley... Made some comments, mostly with an eye to tightening language and making it more immediate, but that's what I like more in a scene--if you want the PC to be more divorced from the action and thinking about what's happening to them, I think you could lean even farther into that! Thanks for sharing & I hope you write more!! Good luck!!