cannot

[Malidica]

cannot

 

[Paradox01]

A lapinara is talking to a gabilani. “You would not believe the day I had. First thing, right, I tripped over this old book I found and got a bloody nose. A raskvel gang hears the noise and shows up to give me crap for being in their turf. I had to run for half an hour to get away from them, and I couldn’t check my compass, so I ended up in the glade! I nearly walked into a scythe tree, and when I backpedaled, a horde of sexbots jumped me! They must’ve ridden me for half a day! My dick feels like a boiled potato, and my balls are so empty my girlfriend could move into them.”

The gabilani replies, “Do you still have the book?”

This one is actually funny. The rest, however, had me reacting the same way as you, Mal. Much head-scratching ensued.

 

[Paradox01]

I don't get it though...

The lapinara just went through a long and harrowing - not to mention potentially life-threatening - experience and the only part of the story the gabilani focuses on is the least important to the story teller.

Very Abbott and Costello.

 

[ShySquare]

Bosh the raskvel was worried. His friend asked him, “What’s wrong, Bosh?”

“Oh, it’s my new girlfriend. I really like her but... she’s a lapinara. Every time she comes over she wants to put her eggs in my butt, and I’m terrified of trying it.”

His friend leaned in. “I know a spell that will give you courage. I used it before my last job interview. Would you like me to teach it to you?”

Bosh agreed eagerly, and so his friend wrote down the spell. After a glance, Bosh set about collecting ingredients.

First he had to find a piece of parchment older than the gabilani who owned it. Then the spell required him to write “I will not fear” one hundred times, in Old Raskvel, with ink made from the oilsap of scythe trees. It cost Bosh half a month’s wages to get the paper and ink and another week’s to buy the translation to Old Raskvel runes. Next, the scrawled-on parchment had to be put in a big jug of strong liquor and soaked for two weeks. Bosh did it, though buying so much liquor used up the rest of his month’s wages. Finally, the spell required enzyme scraped from the tail of a male sydian to be added when the soaking finished. Bosh was beaten pretty badly getting the enzyme, but luckily he had the two weeks to recover. On the appointed night, he was loading a medicine dropper with enzyme when he heard a knock at his door.

“Bosh, it’s been two weeks. You said we could have sex after two weeks, and I’m really, really horny! Let me in!”

Bosh swallowed his panic. “Just a minute, I’m getting ready!” He took out his friend’s instructions and re-read them to make sure he could perform the courage spell correctly. First, he added exactly seven drops of enzyme to the liquor jug. Then he swirled the jug clockwise three times and anti-clockwise four times. Next he fished out the parchment, tore it into seven pieces, and dropped them back into the jug, just as instructed. Finally, to finish the spell, he chugged the entire jug. Then he opened the door.

The spell is bogus. The humor lies in the contrast between the complexity of the "spell" and the simplicity of the action Bosh needs courage for -- open the door and let his gf bang him like a drum. In short, it's funny because Bosh could have just braced himself, the "spell" only served to distract him long enough to forget his fear.
Also men getting screwed is funny, I guess.

Two sydian women are preparing food. One turns to the other. “This reminds me, Reeka; I haven’t seen your mate at evening meal all this week. And now that I think, you’ve been distracted and you’re not wearing your mother’s choker. Don’t tell me something happened?”

“Er, yes and no,” answers Reeka. “We had an argument and I locked him in our bedchamber to cool off. I always hide the choker in there, so I can’t get to it. That was four days ago. I’ve been talking to him through the door to calm him down, but he’s still angry. I need to think of a way to get him food and water soon.”

“Reeka!” gasps her friend. “You mean to say that all this time, you’ve had a door that locks? Do you think you could store my jewelry in there too?”

It's funny because the second sydian woman reacts to the wrong thing (the fact that her friend's door locks, and not her locking her bf in her room). Also, Sydians eat metal and Novahome is in a state of disrepair, which is why there are no locks.

 

[sumgai]

I thought the only thing Bosh needed was the hard liquor...

 

[= )]

Sheesh some people! You invade a junk planet exert your dominance on the local populace take their hard made joke books and then you expect their refined culturally appropriate jokes to make sense to you? The nerve!