[WIP] Stormguard Temple Champions on Uveto VII

[Terra_Lupis]

Putting this out to the forum users as a notice that the Stormguard Temple Champions may or may not being worked on as you read.

Please leave any comments or pieces of critique on the docs. Any and all help is appreciated.

Stormguard Temple Champions

 

[NeverWorks]

Your link allows editing from everyone who clicks on it. You should delete that link and make a new one that allows commenting, but not editing.

As for the document itself, it looks promising, but try to avoid putting words in the PCs mouth too much. Whatever you put probably won't match up with people's own idea of what their character would say. It seems like the most successful submissions just describe the PCs words instead, for example: "Deciding you don't like his tone, you respond with heavy sarcasm, telling him exactly where he can place his stick, and making ungodly insinuations about the guard's mother in the process," or anything in that general sense.

 

[Savin]

try to avoid putting words in the PCs mouth too much. Whatever you put probably won't match up with people's own idea of what their character would say. It seems like the most successful submissions just describe the PCs words instead, for example: "Deciding you don't like his tone, you respond with heavy sarcasm, telling him exactly where he can place his stick, and making ungodly insinuations about the guard's mother in the process," or anything in that general sense.

Allow me to showcase all of my documents, which say otherwise. Having the PC speak is just fine.

 

[NeverWorks]

Ah, sorry, I was kinda broad and dismissive there. Still, most of your stuff  tends to be either short, "Sure thing," "No thanks," phrases, brief questions to move the plot along, or dirty talk, which is universal. And you're really good with splitting up dialogue for hard/kind/mischievous Steele. I was mostly advising against things like Steele's introduction here, which sounds wordy and awkward coming from a 'Hard' character, and the insults, which are a bit crazy for a 'Nice' one. It's just tricky trying to fit in a lot of dialogue, and it using it sparingly is safer and easier than trying to make it natural.

Edit: Oh, and the link's fixed!

 

[Terra_Lupis]

Allow me to showcase all of my documents, which say otherwise. Having the PC speak is just fine.

Thanks for that info, especially about the Frostwyrm. Just wondering though is still is Freicia's background OTT or is it ok?